Personality Juggler In Training
I have multiple personalities.
Not the antiquated term for what is now Dissociative Identity Disorder (DSM-TR-5), but lowercase, multiple personalities.
Turns out I have 11 personalities.
In no particular order, Energy-Healing Guy, Humorous-Witty Guy, Athlete, Media/Business Has-Been, Lacrosse Guy, Hot-Head (no patience/short), Idealist, Helper/Caretaker, Introvert, Extrovert, and The Puddle - that's the one who is insecure, lacks self-confidence, the idiot, who reacts poorly when embarrassed or frustrated, a fragile-failure, and the wet blanket over my existence.
The most personalities I’ve ever had at once was 15 in 2015.
I have to contend with and manage all of them, everyday. I know the personalities I like, and I know the ones I dislike. I also know the ones that aren’t as strong (sometimes because I’ve been told). It takes work to know yourself, learn, be honest, or find out who you are. What buoys you? What are your triggers? How do you juggle your personalities, all day, everyday?
My personalities are separate from my titles, father, husband, son, relative, friend/foe, etc.
Personality Juggling is real.
When in control, it feels like juggling three tennis balls. Manageable and safe. The flipside is anxiety, insecurity, anger and that feels like juggling six (or more) flaming chainsaws.
The Puddle and the Hot-Head are my nemesises, and probably for others as well. In a twist of metaphors, The Puddle usually sparks the Hot-Head. It’s what makes me feel like I’ve lost, or have no control. It calls on my inner demons. I feel embarrassed, worthless, and in my eyes, I’m the worst version of myself. It’s the fear that it’s the self that other people identify as me as.
Even my positive personalities are not always looked upon favorably. In a certain moment or in general, some people may think my Humorous-Witty side is really just an a-hole. Or my Helper/Caretaker isn’t present enough, and thus wouldn’t or shouldn’t be labeled as such.
The unknown variables we all have to manage, in addition to ourselves, are other people and their multiple personalities. Where do we align, or not in any given moment? How are the people we interact with being impacted in their day? How has that manifested in their lives? How is what I am thinking and feeling impacting them and vice-versa?
We have our spouses, kids, parents, friends, co-workers, the man that almost hits you when you’re in the crosswalk, the lady that holds the door open for you, etc. etc.
What does it amount to? Every interaction you’ve ever had and will have!
All of our personalities are moving targets and when we find commonalities and the ability to feel like the selves we want to be, try to surround myself and spend more time with them.
It’s amazing when it’s that easy. It most certainly isn’t always.
More so than trying to count a six-deck shoe in a casino, the variations of our lives and how we relate to others and others to us are incalculable. Everything can be perceived a certain way. Even if you don’t see eye-to-eye, at that moment their personality and perspective is a new reality.
How can I be a better version of myself when there are so many personalities to figure out!?! Does the casino always win? Not this time.
I am in control of how I play my hand. I am in control of what I want to do, how I respond, and what I sense and feel is a good outcome, not just for my personalities, but everyone else’s as well.
Do I always win, or am I smart about it and play the right hand? Hell no, did you not read earlier section about the Puddle, Hot-Head?
That’s okay. There are a lot of moments to manage and we want to be our best personalities more often each day. We want to understand ourselves, how we are perceived and how we perceive others. That’s when everyone wins, and we’re more joyful, more often.
That is the goal. To continue to explore and work on my personalities and who I want to be. If I didn’t, my 2015 personalities in today’s reality, probably wouldn’t be back in Colorado and I doubt I’d still be married.
It’s not always easy. But it can be a lot easier.
Peace be the journey.
Pete